Daedric Dummies
by Oreo Stories
Summary: The Hero of Kvatch had a family before fully becoming Sheogorath; her descendant, the Last Dragonborn, has had to deal with racist Nords, Dragons, idiots who believe that she is a Daedric Prince, and more Daedra than is healthy. Unfortunately, despite her best efforts, the Daedra she aren't affiliated with keep trying to make her their Champions. A series of short one-shots.
1. Meridia Madness

**The Elder Scrolls series does not belong to me, nor does any other series, franchise, or property mentioned, referenced, or parodied.**

* * *

 _"A new hand touches the Beacon. Listen. Hear me and obey. A foul darkness has seeped into my temple. A darkness that you will destroy"_

"Fuck that."

* * *

Skyrim is a land of many prejudices; the Dunmer dislike the Nords, the Argonians hate the Nords, the Altmer believe everyone else to be inferior, the Khajiit are not allowed in the cities of the Nords, the Imperials are frustrated with the Nords, the Redguards act pompous because of the Nords, the Bosmer keep to themselves because of the Nords, and the Nords have negative feelings for all other races, ranging from mild dislike to blind hatred depending on the individual.

Nords are a proud race, and believe themselves to be the center of the universe, as many races do; their justifications lie in the fact that the Empire they once pledged loyalty to was founded upon a Nordic warrior-king, one descended from the first Dragonborn, who became the 'God of Men'. This Justification can be easily shattered, however, because Dragonborn can be born of any race and any land. Many Nords, however, insist that the Dragonborn Legend applies to them and them alone, completely disregarding the fact that the Septim Emperors, who were descended from the man who unified Tamriel, had been interbreeding with the Imperials long enough to become Imperials themselves.

When the savior of men is not even a man, however, the Nords can become upset; this goes double for when their fabled hero is neither a man, in both senses of the word, nor a proud warrior. And if their hero is a Khajiiti Cat-Burglar who is descended from Sheogorath himself, who was the leader of the Thieves' guild _and_ the Dark Brotherhood before becoming a Daedric Prince, they would likely riot and attempt to kill the last dragonborn, the world be damned.

* * *

" _What do you imply, supplicant? Is the promise of reward not enough for you? I could make you my champion, if only you perform my task admirably."_

"I refuse to associate with any more Daedric Princes than needed. It's bad enough that Sheogorath is my something-great-grandmother and Azura was my babysitter; if I allied myself with any more Daedric Princes, then there would be Lynch Mobs. I'm already having to avoid assassins because I'm a Khajiit Dragonborn despite being the leader of the last remaining Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary, the Thieves' Guild, the Mage's College, _and_ the Companions!"

" _I offer a weapon unlike any you have seen! It destroys the undead in a blaze of holy light and flame!"_

"I already have a flame-enchanted silver shortsword; I don't need Dawnbreaker."

" _But…"_

The last dragonborn placed Meridia's Beacon inside of the chest it was found in and walked off, thoroughly annoyed.

* * *

 **This is the first in a series of short one-shots focused around a Dragonborn descended from the Hero of Kvatch, who is now Sheogorath. Reviews help me stay motivated, so please let me know what you thought!**


	2. Clavicus Vile: Bunghole Extraordinaire

Falkreath Hold was a very pretty area, compared to most other regions of Skyrim. It was typically warm, and it rarely snowed due to the mountains surrounding it; it reminded Lilith, the reluctant Last Dragonborn, of her home, Kvatch, though she swears that the landscape surrounding it changed every time she returned home from her travels. Her grandmother, a Khajiit by the name of Katia who immigrated to Cyrodiil and became a talented Witchhunter after discovering that she was a Magicka sponge, once told her that Cyrodiil was a bizzare place prone to inexplicable changes. Her Nana, Quill-Weave, insists that the only reason Katia even lived long enough to have children was because of Quill-Weave and a number of voices in her head; Lilith doubted that either was completely true, but she loved her grandparents none the less (For those of you who are curious about how a Khajiiti woman and an Argonian woman had children, well, just know that Sanguine and Sheogorath gave them both a mixed blessing).

* * *

This morning, however, was unique; Lilith had never visited the town of which Falkreath hold was named for, instead choosing to simply run through or past it to visit her other, _other_ family, the Dark Brotherhood (They went 'her parents and grandparents and Sheogorath, the other Daedra who consider her family, and the Dark Brotherhood, who like to keep in touch with the descendants of their greatest assassin). Lilith soon discovered a blacksmith, who marveled at her various weapons (A flame-enchanted silver shortsword, the original Blade of Woe, and a Daedric Mace from the plane of Molag Bal, all family heirlooms yet still extremely dangerous) and asked her to capture a stray dog for him. Lilith accepted, mainly because the people of Tamriel reward those who help them; she then left town, searching for a dog.

* * *

" _Lilith? I haven't seen you in years; how've ya been?"_

"Barbas! It's been too long, buddy; how are you?"

" _Not too good, actually; my master kicked me out after an argument."_

"I'm sorry; Clavicus Vile is a jerk."

" _Preachin' to the choir, girly. You think you could help me reunite with him anyways?"_

"Of course; where's his shrine?"

" _A little place called 'Haemar's Shame'. It's not too far from here."_

And so the Descendant of Sheogorath and the embodiment of Clavicus Vile's not-evil traveled off, enjoying each other's company.

* * *

"There's a wizard named Falion in Morthal who can cure Vampirism."

The gaggle of vampires rushed off into the sunlight, ignoring the mild pain and discomfort in favor of reaching their destination as soon as possible. Clavicus Vile only stared down, a disapproving look appearing on his face despite being an unmoving statue. Lilith greeted the Daedric Prince and told him to either take back Barbas or lose him forever; Vile refused, instead telling Lilith to perform a task for him, which she replied with her signature phrase when dealing with anything unpleasant:

"Fuck that."

Lilith instead took Barbas along with her, leaving Clavicus Vile behind with only half of his power, the other half staying within the faithful hound that he had spurned.


	3. Namira Noms

Lilith had never visited Markarth's palace, but after purchasing a dwemer greatsword to smelt down and turn into thin chainmail, she received a letter from Calcemo, Markarth's court wizard, who offered to buy the weapon. Knowing that Markarth was built upon Dwemer ruins, she decided to at least visit to see if she could explore the catacombs found deep below. Unfortunately, Calcemo was very, very cheap.

Before she left, however, Lilith noticed a preist of Arkay sulking about in the entryway; she decided to ask what was wrong, and maybe see if he needed help.

* * *

Aedric Priests of Skyrim are often rather uppity; they typically attempt to emulate their patron deity in some form, or at least carry out their patron god's will, which, combined with how normal Aedric worship is in the empire, causes some of them to act high and mighty. This typically happens in Cyrodil and other extremely prosperous areas, and the priests end up abusing their position for personal gain. Though Skyrim's harsh environment and people typically prevents such abuse of power, there are some whose… 'eccentricities' are tolerated, if only because they preach Talos. This is most prominent in Stormcloak territory, though Heimskr of Whiterun is allowed to publicly shout praises to Talos and insult the Thalmor. This is primarily because only the Thalmor actually hate Talos worship and like the Thalmor, but also because he's smart enough to hide when they're in town.

* * *

Because she grew up in Cyrodil, Lilith was never religious. Sure, she understands that the gods exist, but she believes that worship and interpretation is best left to the individual, and that organized religion, along with everything else, only leads to corruption. Government is a necessary evil, like money, but religion and your interpretation of it shouldn't be dictated by assholes with giant hats who believe their word is final.

Perhaps that was due to her Khajiit upbringing, though.

"If it's about the hall of the dead, no, you can't go in there" stated the priest. He was rather tight-lipped on the subject, and not even excessive cleavage (Lilith knew she was a sexy bitch, and often used it to her advantage) could change his mind; Lilith finally offered to help, to which he agreed, though somewhat reluctantly. He proceeded to explain the situation, and, to Lilith's horror, it appeared that there was either an infestation of cannibals or the invisible skeevers Granny-pa Sheogorath created a few months ago.

Lilith had dealt with them before, of course, though some crazed mage had altered them to also be _venomous_ , which was horrifying, and Sheogorath had decided to make that the standard.

The alternative option, however, was not much better.

* * *

Inside the Markarth Hall of the Dead, Lilith was assaulted by a woman's voice injecting itself into her mind. It praised her courage and mettle, but proceeded to prattle on about her craving the flesh of Men/Mer/Beastfolk. She then comforted her, saying that she did not judge or shun for such things and would remind her of 'what she had forgotten'; Lilith found her rather annoying, as the only reason she was hungry was because the ride from Riften took several hours, and she had forgotten to pack lunch. It was clear that this woman was happily suffering from 'Cannibal Madness', a disease gained from acts of cannibalism that caused insanity and a craving for more, eventually transforming them into a starved, diseased monster through more 'feedings'; unfortunately, the fact that she was calm and not trying to gnaw off Lilith's legs meant that she was a follower of Namira, the daedric prince of disgust, creepy-crawlies, and cannibals.

The follower of Namira soon showed herself, claiming that Lilith had accidentally first performed cannibalism as a child after the death of a sibling. She then proceeded to assign the beginning stages of Cannibal Madness to her, again ending her speech with comforting words. Lilith took a few moments to think of an appropriate response before realizing something: She ate the souls of her spirit-brethren, the dragons.

"I'm the dragonborn; any 'cannibalistic tendencies' I've had are spiritual, not physical," stated Lilith. The cannibal seemed convinced that she was lying or deluded, however, and insisted that Lilith had indeed eaten the flesh of Men, Mer, and/or beastfolk. Lilith brought up the actual cause for her hunger, but that crazy bitch didn't seem to care; Lilith instead knocked her out with her family mace and dragged her to the Priest of Arkay awaiting her return.

The reward was pitiful, but spiting Namira was a family tradition by this point, along with peeing in Dagon's eye, reorganizing (or, rather, unorganizing) Apocrypha, hitting Jyggalag with their multiple Wabbajacks (in both senses of the word, mind you), using Molag Bal's own techniques to tie him up, dumping soapy water over Peryite, and forcibly banishing ghosts to haunt Vaermina.


End file.
